Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues when Couples Separate or Divorce

When you divorce or separate from your spouse or partner, your children will be affected by your breakup. And in the immediate stress of the separation, it may be hard for you to keep in mind that you and your spouse or partner will be co–parenting your children for many, many years to come.

A divorce or separation can be an anxiety-producing situation for children, but there are things that you can do to help make the family changes less stressful for your children and the aftermath more positive. How your children will do after your separation or divorce depends a lot on how you and their other parent deal with the breakup, and on the custody, visitation, and financial support arranged for the children.

Custody and Visitation

Every family is unique, and every child within the family is unique. For this reason, I encourage parents to work together to create a custody and visitation plan that meets the needs of their children. Therefore, a mediation or collaborative process is the ideal way for parents to separate and/or divorce. These processes keep you and your child’s other parent in control of the decisions that will affect your child’s well-being.

Moreover, psychoanalytical studies have shown that a collaborative approach will likely give parents the ability to offer better care and a better environment for their children. One issue that often comes up post-divorce is the Holiday visitation schedule. Conflict at this time can cast a pall over what should be a happy time for children. If the parents have developed the Holiday visitation plan together, it is less likely that a conflict will arise in the future.

Even if other issues have to be litigated (i.e. finances, property division, etc.) it is advisable – if at all possible – for parents to craft a custody and visitation plan tailored to their family’s unique situation.  Otherwise, that plan will be in the hands of a judge, who is likely to apply a “one-size-fits-all” formula to your children’s future. (Indeed, a very fine judge that I know refers to court-ordered custody and visitation arrangements as “social engineering with a sledge hammer.”) It is particularly crucial for parents of special needs children to develop the custody and visitation plan; there are few judges who understand the nuances of parenting a special needs child.

For information on the custodial parent’s obligation to ensure the child has frequent contact with the other parent: click here for my published article, Restraining the Custodial Parent from Relocating the Child to a Distant Domicile.

Child Support

Children are already experiencing some stress when adjusting to the breakup of their parents. A lower standard of living often happens with a divorce or separation, and this may add to the pressures that the children are feeling. Therefore, again, if possible, it is advisable for parents to work together to craft a workable child support arrangement.

 The framework for determining child support is the New York State Child Support Standards Act (CSSA). It is feasible to deviate from the Child Support Standards if there is a good reason for doing so. In order to make a legally binding agreement regarding child support, it is necessary to spell out the CSSA calculation, and state whether the parties’ agreement conforms to that calculation of deviates from it. If they deviate from the CSSA calculation, then the settlement agreement needs to state the reasons for the deviation.

Some resources for divorcing or separating parents:

The New York State Courts’ Parent’s Handbook
New York State Parent Education and Awareness Program