This is a sequel to my e-newsletter and blog last month about how to avoid a bad divorce, which can be as destructive as a car crash with serious injuries. Much of the following is “preventative medicine” to save a marriage before it becomes a troubled one.
Every marriage needs a balance of “togetherness” and “separateness.” That balance is different for every couple. And it may differ for the same couple during different phases of the marriage. Part of the ongoing work of marriage (yes – marriage takes work) is negotiating and renegotiating the balance that is right for the two of you.
Let’s say that you and your spouse have widely divergent interests. If this is the case – first of all – don’t think of this as a problem! Many people make the mistake of being jealous of the time their spouse spends on interests or hobbies. Now – as long as you’re paying attention to the “togetherness” part of the marriage (see below for some tips on that), spouses pursuing different interests can keep a marriage alive and interesting.
Sharing your experiences in conversation with each other can deepen your connection. And, you might even find ways that your interests dovetail. For example, in my own marriage, my wife’s primary outside interest is acting and she is currently taking acting classes. I am not an actor, but I admire my wife’s acting ability and I go to her performances. My passion outside of my work is songwriting. My wife is not a songwriter, but she often goes to performances of my songs. She also gives me valuable feedback when I am in the midst of the writing process. A peak experience for us occurred recently, when our 32-year old daughter, who has a great voice, sang two of my songs at an Open Mic.
Here are some tips for nurturing the “togetherness” in your marriage
1. Go on dates with your spouse; preferably a weekly date. If you’re too busy to have regular dates with your spouse – you’re too busy.
2. Make it crystal-clear through your words and deeds that he/she is a top priority of yours. For example, I know of a celebrity couple who are extremely successful and attractive. This couple does not stay apart for more than three days, minimizing the possibility of succumbing to temptation – which is considerable in the entertainment field.
3. Learn about active listening and do it with your spouse
4. Take care of your health. Stay in shape, including eating healthy and exercises.
If your marriage is seriously troubled, and your spouse has made it clear that he/she wants out, even if you don’t, propose doing marriage counselling one more time for the sake of the kids. If that does not work, then propose divorce mediation or collaborative law as the divorce process. Mediation and collaborative law are much less likely to drive you and your spouse further apart, and also give a possible reconciliation of the marriage a better chance of happening than if you end up in divorce litigation.
© Arnold D. Cribari 2019
