When a couple going through a divorce has had children together, there is going to have to be an ongoing co-parenting relationship. Having just spent an enjoyable Easter holiday with my own family, I was reminded that co-parenting during the holidays is often fraught with conflict and stress, even many years after a divorce. We have all heard tales of couples who go back to court multiple times after their divorce to re-litigate holiday visitation issues that were “settled” through the adversarial process.
For couples who choose a collaborative divorce, however, the stress of the “holiday shuffle” is reduced, if not eliminated. The collaborative process allows the divorcing parents to structure a holiday plan for the children tailored to the needs of their specific situation.
This brings to mind one of the most important reasons to consider a collaborative divorce. The collaborative process makes it possible for the two divorcing partners to “own” all provisions in a settlement agreement. The agreement can be fine-tuned so that the reasonable needs and concerns of both parents are addressed. This can prevent the ongoing conflict that often ensues after a settlement arrived at through traditional adversarial negotiation or after court ordered provisions. (Indeed, a very fine judge that I know refers to court-ordered custody and visitation arrangements as “social engineering with a sledge hammer.”)
Because both parents have played an active role in the process – working in partnership with each other and their attorneys – both parents have a sense of ownership of the holiday plan. They are less likely to resist it or try to undermine it each year when the holidays come along. Moreover, some flexibility can be incorporated into the plan when negotiating collaboratively.
Divorce, by definition, involves conflict. The way the issues of the conflict are addressed will determine whether the conflict continues post-divorce, or whether a long-term resolution is achieved. Collaborative divorce offers the best prospect for a long-term resolution.
(c) 2015 Arnold C. Cribari
