Focusing my law practice on collaborative divorce and mediation has inspired me to strengthen my conflict resolution skills, and to apply them to other areas of my life.
Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt, a powerful book by Arthur C. Brooks, pulls together philosophical and practical teachings from the world’s great thinkers on the moral imperative for human beings to be able to disagree in a respectful and productive way.
The title of the book stems from the Gospel of Matthew 5:44, although there are many other citations in both the Hebrew Scriptures and the New Testament that express similar instructions regarding the treatment of so-called “enemies.” Moreover, other sources that Brooks cites in the book include Aristotle, Plato, Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandala, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., motivational speaker Simon Sinek, marriage and relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, and Ivy League professors Cornel West and Robert George, among others.
The Love Your Enemies book never mentions the word divorce, but much of the book is applicable to collaborative divorce practice and mediation. Collaborative divorce professionals refrain from insulting each other and refrain from shouting or cursing at the other. Such collaborative practices are comparable to what wise people do when they disagree, as explained in Love Your Enemies.
Striving for Truth with an Open Mind
When brainstorming happens in a collaborative divorce (in which the goal is to dream up and share creative win-win solutions), that is similar to what Brooks describes as striving for truth with an open mind through a “competition of ideas.”
In fact, some of the great thinkers mentioned in the Love Your Enemies book don’t just disagree respectfully, they “revel in disagreement.”
What I found most fascinating were the ideas of Cornel West and Robert George, who are Ivy League college professors and great friends, even though they are on the opposite sides of the political spectrum. Cornel West is an African American Marxist Socialist and Robert George is a white conservative free enterprise capitalist. They enjoy one another’s company while arguing passionately about their different positions. This kind of dialogue is rare, but it is a reality for the few who are willing to practice it and work hard at it.
Finding Common Ground
Typically, Professor West starts the conversation by telling Professor George, “you know I love you, brother,” but my views are different from yours about (whatever the subject of their debate is). Professor George replies in a similarly warm and light-hearted way, reassuring Professor West of his fondness for him and that he would be glad to debate the subject with him.
Then, they begin their debate in a passionate and entirely respectful way, never insulting or interrupting the other, and with an open mind. While they share their views, they manifest their desire to search for the truth and to compete with their ideas. Why? So they can sharpen their own arguments and possibly change their views in the event they are convinced that the other’s arguments are better than their own.
Most importantly, during their debate, they point out whatever common ground becomes apparent, which reinforces their good faith and deep friendship. Finding common ground is a constructive outcome in collaborative practice. It can bring about win-win solutions, even in some of the most contentious issues.
Love Your Enemies was a transformative book for me, especially regarding political debates that I love, but which can turn ugly if not done well. The book also reinforced all of the collaborative and mediation training I have received during my 20 plus years as a collaborative lawyer.
More than ever, thanks to the Love Your Enemies book, I love my work as a collaborative divorce lawyer and mediator, helping couples settle their divorces collaboratively and as equitably and economically as possible.
Link to Blog Post on Conflict Resolution Skills: https://www.westchesterdivorcelawyer.com/collaborative-law-divorce-lawyer-as-peacemaker/
Link to Love Your Enemies on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Love-Your-Enemies-America-Contempt/dp/0062883755/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1WLVZDLNVW1BU&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.L_mATZSflUaLuCLnuVsjiAAzn0Lv3IhP3q19FQGHhTzGuzJnR9kHzb6_TzVvLwGPDH5tJxLkIIZScVF9DwPmvY-ywvWg4snS9J1D8LP5N0vdZTnsAVFQPBLlGrajh6p0yz9nxl5gd8ygHugeDLkyCdPQIhmoCeegWIF-o2ptpPA.nhc1M2OGolgNXgadkglTDE5TLKKdDCdv4KpRjwH0gB8&dib_tag=se&keywords=love+your+enemies+arthur+brooks&qid=1735486644&sprefix=Love+your+enem%2Caps%2C104&sr=8-1
