In the wake of the moving funeral service of Congressman John Lewis in July of 2020 and the inspiring eulogy delivered by President Obama, it occurred to me that collaborative divorce is based on principles similar to passive resistance.
Indeed, the ideal mindset to have in a collaborative divorce when confronted with a spouse who is persistently unreasonable is: “Respectable Non-Violent Assertiveness and Resistance.”
Respectfulness: A commitment, required by the Collaborative Code of Conduct and Participation Agreement.
Non-Violence: A necessity, in our actions and our words to feel safe physically and emotionally, for the collaborative divorce process to work.
Assertiveness: The collaborative process works best when each party asserts, to the maximum extent, his/her needs and interests in a respectful manner. Assertiveness is comparable to peaceful protest, speaking out and not shying away from “good trouble” as Representative John Lewis would say.
Resistance: My approximately 25 years of experience as a New York collaborative divorce lawyer handling numerous difficult cases that got settled, has demonstrated that a good attitude to have, when confronted with a persistently difficult spouse is: don’t give up, don’t give in, and respectfully resist when your spouse makes unreasonable demands. Also, don’t be reactive, but rather follow the advice of, and have faith in, the collaborative process and its team of professionals.
In my experience, when my client passively resisted in a difficult collaborative case, there was almost always a breakthrough and the recalcitrant spouse finally saw the light.
Once that occurred, the divorcing couple was on the road to the promised land of a good divorce settlement and a good aftermath to their divorce.
