Something to Save Your Marriage

It may seem a bit crazy for a divorce lawyer and mediator to write about ways to save a marriage. I got the idea from an owner of an auto body shop who would speak at business networking groups about how to avoid motor vehicle accidents.

A bad divorce is like a car crash. Much harm and expense can result from both, except if a car crash does not result in serious physical injury, it may be better than a divorce. Why? Because there is usually insurance to pay much of the expenses, whereas there is no insurance to defray the cost of a divorce. The auto body guy and I are both idealistic and very consumer-oriented. We both know the world would be a better place if there were fewer car accidents and more intact marriages. Those are worthwhile goals even if it means that we both make less money.

Get Professional Help. And Don’t be Cheap!

The best way for most people to save a troubled marriage is to go to what I call “a damn good marriage counselor.” Go to the best marriage counselor you can find, and do not worry about whether your health insurance will cover the cost. This is an important investment in your future well-being – don’t be cheap.

If I have a client who is open to saving the marriage, I will refer him/her to one of the excellent marriage counselors that I have gotten to know over the years. Good marriage counselors come with a variety of credentials: marriage and family therapist, clinical psychologist, or social worker. I have had a divorce and mediation practice for over 40 years in White Plains, NY, and I know the best marriage counselors in Westchester County.

Why Do I often Advise Marriage Counseling before Starting the Divorce Process?

Why do I like to refer clients to marriage counselors to save their marriage before having them retain me to handle the divorce? I’m not sure. It’s a mystery. Maybe it’s because I have memories of a happy childhood with two parents at home. Maybe it’s because of the idealism I experienced at Columbia College in the late 1960s and early 1970s. Maybe it’s because I believe in some spiritual principles, including the interconnectedness of all things.

Or maybe it’s because I have been fortunate to have been married to the same woman for more than 40 years. A real estate broker colleague of mine once quipped: “Arnold, what is wrong with you? You don’t believe in your own product!”

Because I have seen the pain and stress that divorce causes, I have been willing to work on my marriage. And, it helps that my wife and I enjoy a mutual respect that has caused us to hang in there with each other when conflicts have arisen.

Preventive Measures

Of course, it’s best to learn how to strengthen your relationship and deal with conflict in a healthy way so you don’t ever find yourself in a divorce lawyer’s office. There are lots of good resources available. Any book by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, whose advice is based on years of research, is an excellent resource. Personally, I found the book “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” by John Gray to be extremely helpful.

Another way to strengthen your marriage is to learn how to really listen! Ironically, I learned this in my collaborative divorce training. Active listening occurs when you listen carefully to your spouse when he/she is speaking, and then you repeat back, by paraphrasing, what was said; it’s important that you reflect back the emotions expressed, not just the words. And then ask: “do I have that right?” or words to that effect.

Active listening is simple but can be hard to do when one is in the middle of an emotional whirlwind. I refer you to John Gottman’s books for advice on strategies for calming yourself so that you can utilize active listening in your marriage.

Balance Togetherness and Separateness

Every marriage needs a balance of “togetherness” and “separateness.” That balance is different for every couple. And it may differ for the same couple during different phases of the marriage. Part of the ongoing work of marriage (yes – marriage takes work) is negotiating and renegotiating the balance that is right for the two of you.

Let’s say that you and your spouse have widely divergent interests. If this is the case – first of all – don’t think of this as a problem! Many people make the mistake of being jealous of the time their spouse spends on interests or hobbies. Now – as long as you’re paying attention to the “togetherness” part of the marriage (see below for some tips on that), spouses pursuing different interests can keep a marriage alive and interesting. Sharing your experiences in conversation with each other can deepen your connection.

Here are some tips for nurturing the “togetherness” in your marriage

Go on dates with your spouse; preferably a weekly date. If you’re too busy to have regular dates with your spouse – you’re too busy.
Make it crystal-clear through your words and deeds that he/she is a top priority of yours.
Learn about active listening and do it with your spouse
Take care of your health. Stay in shape, including eating healthily and exercising.

Potential for Reconciliation

Not every marriage should be saved. But in 40 years of experience as a divorce lawyer, I have seen a surprising number of marriages on the brink of divorce that were brought back from the brink and, ultimately, achieved long-term reconciliation.

If your marriage is seriously troubled, and your spouse has made it clear that he/she wants out, if you don’t want to divorce, propose doing marriage counselling one more time. If that does not work, then propose divorce mediation or collaborative law as the divorce process. Mediation and collaborative are much less likely to drive you and your spouse further apart, and give a possible reconciliation a better chance than if you end up in divorce litigation.