Dr. Marshal B. Rosenberg in his book entitled “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life,” demonstrates the use of peacemaking techniques known as active listening, reframing or looping. When one is engaged in active listening, one listens very carefully to the speaker, and repeats back the gist of the substance of what was said, as well as the emotion expressed by the speaker.
Dr. Rosenberg provides a riveting example of active listening when he, an American Jew, gave a presentation on nonviolent communication before a group of 170 Palestinians. Please keep in mind that unbeknownst to Dr. Rosenberg, several empty tear gas canisters had recently been shot into a Palestinian refugee camp, and “Made in U.S. A.” appeared on the canisters. During his presentation, Dr. Rosenberg heard murmurs in the crowd, in which he is called: “Murderer!” “Child-killer!” “Assassin!” With tremendous fear in his mind that he is careful not to show, Dr. Rosenberg started the following dialogue with the most vociferous Palestinian in the crowd (Dr. Rosenberg is “I” and the Palestinian gentleman is “He”):
I: Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently? (I didn’t know whether my guess was correct, but what is critical is my sincere effort to connect with his feeling and need.)
He: Damn right I’m angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need housing! We need to have our own country!
I: So you’re furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and gaining political independence?
He: Do you know what it’s like to live here for twenty-seven years the way I have with my family – children and all? Have you got the faintest idea what that’s been like for us?
I: Sounds like you’re feeling very desperate and you’re wondering whether I or anybody else can really understand what it’s like to be living under these conditions. Am I hearing you right?
He: You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they go to school? Do they have playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a school that has no books?
I: I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children here; you’d like me to know that what you want is what all parents want for their children – a good education, opportunity to play and grow in a healthy environment….
He: That’s right, the basics! Human rights- isn’t that what you Americans call it? Why don’t more of you come here and see what kind of human rights you’re bringing here!
I: You’d like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of the suffering here and to look more deeply at the consequences of our political actions?
After the above exchange, the dialogue between Dr. Rosenberg and the Palestinian continued for another 20 minutes. The active listening worked. Ultimately, the Palestinian gentleman understood, and was able to hear Dr. Rosenberg as he explained his purpose in making his presentation. The two men became friends and the same Palestinian gentleman, who had called Dr. Rosenberg a murderer, invited him to his home for a Ramadan dinner.
Thank god that collaborative divorce professionals generally do not need to use active listening skills to save their lives. However, these peace making techniques can make a huge difference in divorce negotiations to get cases settled.
© 2012 Arnold D. Cribari www.westchesterdivorcelawyer.com
